Welcome,
Sometimes the way we love can feel deeply personal, like it came out of nowhere, like it is simply “who we are.” But a lot of our earliest lessons about closeness happen long before we have words for them. We learn by watching: how people handled conflict, whether affection was spoken or assumed, who was allowed to need help, who kept the peace, and what happened when someone had big feelings.
Maybe love looked like showing up through actions, not words. Maybe it meant being useful, staying quiet, being the strong one, or anticipating everyone’s needs before they were spoken. Maybe it was full of warmth and loyalty, but also stress, silence, or inconsistency. None of that makes your family “good” or “bad.” It just gives context to the rules your heart may have learned.
So, in relationships now, you might find yourself wanting closeness while also pulling away when it arrives. You may apologize before you know what you did, over-function to feel secure, or feel guilty when you need space. You might confuse intensity with intimacy, or feel uneasy when things are calm.
These patterns are not proof that you are difficult to love. They may be old ways of staying connected, protected, or needed.
Family-systems research looks at families as connected emotional systems, meaning the ways people communicate, cope, and relate can shape one another across generations.
Research on relational styles also suggests that experiences with caregivers can influence the ways we approach closeness in adult relationships—not as destiny, but as a starting point for understanding ourselves.
The good news: noticing a pattern is not the same as blaming your family or rewriting your whole life overnight. It can be as simple as asking:
When did I learn that love had to look like this?
And then, gently:
What do I want love to feel like now?
You are allowed to honor what your family gave you while choosing something different for yourself. Both can be true.
With love always,
Drea
Andrea Vega, M.A.
Gentle reminder: This little corner of the internet is for education and reflection—it’s not therapy, and it doesn’t create a therapy relationship between us. If this brings up more than you can hold alone, consider reaching out to someone you trust or a licensed mental health professional in your area.
References
- Gavazzi, S. M., & Lim, J. Y. (2023). Family systems theory. In R. J. R. Levesque (Ed.), Encyclopedia of adolescence. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-32132-5_455-3
- Józefczyk, A. (2023). Toward a more in-depth understanding of Bowen’s theory: The multigenerational transmission of differentiation of self. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(3), 634–653.
- Keller, M. N. (2020). The multigenerational transmission process and family relationships. In Handbook of family theory and research.
- Rusu, P. P., et al. (2021). Intergenerational transmission of relational styles: Current evidence and future directions. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 672961. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.672961